Tired.

Tired, exhaustion, fatigue. These words tend to fill one’s life quite a large amount. It is not uncommon as everyone experiences it. 

As an universal experience that permeates the human condition, it casts its shadow over the rhythm of life. Defined by weariness and a longing for reprieve, tiredness manifests in myriad forms, a silent companion to our daily pursuits. Its genesis lies in the intricate interplay of physical exertion, mental strain, and the relentless march of time.

Fatigue is such an impactful feeling. It causes us to feel less motivated. It causes us to feel negative, stress, lethargic. We all feel fatigue in some part of our lives. No one is consistently living their lives happily and positively. Let’s be real. Happiness is only temporary, I always told myself that. If I’m truly happy, I would not have complained about how dreadful my life is.

It’s because I’m truly tired in general. I’m tired of having to please others for their own benefits. I’m tired of being the bigger man just to seek approval and appreciation. I’m tired of changing myself just to adapt for others. I’m tired, of everything. 

Having to anticipate risks, consequences, and people’s point of view regarding me is so suffocating and intoxicating. Dealing with stress, anxiety, confusion, is so exasperating for me. Having unwanted negative attention is just a big blow to my mental health. People told me to be strong and resilient. I’m really am. But I’m tired. I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m at my limit. 

Have you ever encountered one incident when your friends just disregarded your warnings and persuasion about something? I did.  I’m helping them. I’m helping them to not fall into their own traps. Why didn’t they listen to me? Am I just a transparent wall to them?

This one incident occurred when me and my friend, let’s call him X. When we separate ways due to different education pathways, we both stayed distant for some while. For me, I was worried and skeptical. Why didn’t X text me no more? I tried to text him more. After minutes, dry texts came and one of them made me furious. Did something happened to X? Due to my curiosity, I pursued more in finding out. It turns out that X has a crush on a random girl since school started. I was happy for him, and I decided to meet both of them. He introduced her to me when we both met. I took a look at her and her actions, and my gut feeling immediately told me that she is not good. I decided to not overthink and continued my journey. As time goes by, she started showing signs of manipulative tactics, such as asking for help for homework from other boys. She didn’t hangout once with X. But too bad, love blinded X. I’ve told him the truth, and the words came out of X’s mouth hurt me. 

“You’re just jealous.”

“You’re single! You don’t know anything about her!”

Regardless of those hurtful comments, I tried to find ways to convince him to not like her anymore. As a result, X decided to ghost me and ignored me, probably disregarded me as a friend. He finds my persistence and advice, annoying. I was both devastated and furious. Am I the main villian in his story? What did I truly do wrong? Should I have just let X suffer first? I start to get distracted and overthink. I cried night after night. Questions after questions, answers after answers. All of my thoughts lead to despair, and despair leads to irrational decisions. I sighed heavily, deciding to let go. So be it, I thought. I’m tired of finding solutions and solving it when it’s not my problem in the first place. What do I get in return? Hate instead of a simple thank you? It is atrocious!

Several incidents has already occurred in my life, I’m tired of having to anticipate something positive when I’m being nice. It has truly drained my energy.

“Expect the unexpected”, they said.

The truth is, I’m mentally strong, but I’m tired. People seems to care only themselves. Ditching what they have for something they will never have. Caring for someone is like a poison to me. I have already expected someone to not say a word of appreciation when I’ve helped someone. But something like the above incident truly hurts me.

“I’m tired.” I smiled one last time.