You know the feeling? Feeling of your heart being shattered and trampled over and over.
And for reasons unknown. Yes it is frustating. Not being able to listen, not being able to think, not being able to communicate with others.
I once read the book The silent patient. And I wondered for a long time why Alicia remained silent for so long. Now I get it, I get the meaning behind her reply ‘there was nothing to speak’.
We get hurt over and over again and it hurts so much when it comes from our loved ones. You start thinking about escaping, you start thinking about shutting everyone out. You switch off your phone. You don’t think about the consequences. Because that moment was too much to bear. It overfills us and we empty ourselfes, not caring if our spill wets the near person.
Because at that moment we feel selfish, we become our only priority and that isn’t wrong. Prioritising yourself isn’t selfish, it isn’t wrong. Everyone needs some lone time too.
Who said crying is for weak. I think that people survive their most lonely periods even by crying is strong. They are stronger than the millions who took their life. They are stronger than the cowards who fear to acknowledge their loneliness.
When you feel lonely, every small things matter to you, every small mistakes feels like a deep cut in your heart. And there is only so much a heart can tolerate.
And looking out at the bright lights of the city, at the speeding vehicles reaching home after a long day, I feel at ease. The world has so much to offer, it’s just sometimes we are rewarded late but that doesn’t mean we won’t be rewarded.
Sometimes from now, I can envision a future, laughter mixed with joy, surrounded by people I love, people who care for me, a lovely family and cheerful lives.
But fairytales are too good to be true
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