A peep into loneliness

It sucked having the city laugh at you, at your loneliness.

I glance at the bars, a feeling of longing within myself. My hands grip around the rails wishing the city would suck me within it, a hope that I’ll be somewhere other than this complete darkness.

But even my depressed self realises that how much ever I pull it, it won’t budge. I looked down through the gap, at the ground below, a grassy patch littered with dirt.

Sure the view from the 6th floor was mesmerizing for the normal eye, but now all I want to do is shut my eyes and jump down.

This feeling this longing inside me I want to scream make this feeling go away, but it seems adamant, fixed on staying with me.

Years from now I am afraid my life won’t change. The surroundings might, my career might, I might change but this loneliness within me I am afraid it won’t go away.

This fear this loneliness I want to end it. And I’m afraid the only way to do that is to end myself.

Millions of people in this world yet no one near me now. It sucks. My hands tremble needing someone to hold them needing someone to soothe my back and tell me it’s okay this monster will go away.

But nothing happens and once again I feel the darkness creep to me.

I sigh, my breathing becomes rapid my hands feel cold my legs shiver I don’t know what’s happening I want someone to make it stop. Please I cry within myself please someone make it stop. I sit down and lean against the bed post.

I am not able to breathe but I breathe and I hug myself protecting me from this darkness.

I go silent, tears fall but my cries become silent.

Distant laughter, I could hear my four best friends laughing, it increases the pang within me more.

The one thought keeps running again and again. Why couldn’t I laugh with my friends. Why couldn’t I live life like them.

Every time I try to fit in, I feel awkward and everything I do is fake. The fake smile, the fake laughter, the fake teasing, the fake compliments.

Makes me wonder if I will live my whole life faking my smile, faking myself to be happy, making myself believe that I am happy, blessed,contented.

The cold floor pains me, I stare ahead into the colourful lights it’s midnight and still the city’s full of life, full of cheerfulness but amidst those bright colours what I fail to realise is that it has people who live a life of grey and white, too busy with their lives to bother about their friends.

I stare for what seems like hours, my body feels cold against the cold floor but too tired to stay away. I struggle and finally get up.

A single person to talk to, to give me attention, is it too much to ask.

My breathing starts too get more difficult again, hands start trembling and this time I realise a panic attacks about to visit me. I wonder if I’ll die if no one helped me now, a part of me wishing it to consume me.

As I wait I feel voices asking me, giving me water, whispering my name but I am too numb to realise.

As I start becoming okay, my eyes open, it hurts, my eyes hurt from crying so much.

I am surrounded by two concerned faces, my legs my hands shiver I don’t realise what’s happening. They rub my hands. They ask me questions but I am not able to process them.

They ask me again but all I could feel is the window. The lights staring back at me, challenging me, I could almost feel it’s smirk. It knows I won’t escape and I’ll be drawn to the feeling that haunts me.

The feeling to let myself fall.

They drag me out of the room, I stand in the deserted corridor my mind blank, I try to form words to explain but something in me doesn’t feel right, my mouth goes shut. The words don’t get formed and my mouth expresses the unwillingness to speak.

They give me a few minutes to calm myself down.

I am surrounded by four of them now sitting in another room. It’s messy compared to mine and feels weird. I don’t look at the window. I turn my head downwards towards the floor.

The ask me questions but I don’t know I can’t. Someone shouts at me. I internally flinch. Their voices turn from concern to irritation. I would be irritated if a person just cries and sits there dumb when asked. I could feel myself annoyed at me.

My phone rings night changes from One direction blasts through.

It’s Adav, my best friend. I hear someone pick the call, it’s on speaker I could hear him ask what happened. They tell something but I don’t speak. I don’t want to speak.

Something inside me haunts, it doesn’t allow me to speak. I cry again. It frustrates me now, not able to stop. My mouth finally opens and my sobes turn into full blow cries, I feel someone hug me but I miss the warmth of the hug. It doesn’t reach me. I want it to, I want it to fight off the inner coldness but it doesn’t.

The darkness wins and I remain shut.

My phone rings a couple times again. It’s Adav each time but I end it. They try to make me laugh, I laugh but the laughter doesn’t reach me.

I zone out, the window occupying my thoughts. The option. The option to end everything now. The option to free myself. But I don’t.