I usually try to be with the people who match my vibe or usually prefer to talk with the people who seem pleasant to us. Is it really about the people or about the time I spend with them. I always observe each and everything around us. I see and observe people around us even while walking on the street.
The time when I don’t have to talk to them even on that time in the back of my brain, it is judging people on the basis of their look. It keeps doing that to each and every person I observe. I can’t help that , it judges people makes perception about people and then when I have to talk to them then it tries to judge them on the basis of conversation I had with them.
Sometimes, I just wonder, is it just me or other people in this world as well who judge each and everyone everyday. Is it just me or others as well who can’t help doing that. But sometimes, I think that this wierd perception is what leads me to think about them.
I judge people on the basis of memories I had with them. It helps me think about their behaviours around me and what that made me feel like. I think about the conversation I had with them. If that person speaks nicely and has similar thoughts and perception about other stuff as mine, I feel comfortable around them. If we have similarities in behaviour then it makes me to share everything about myself with them. Also, if they are not similar as me but I want to stay with them, then I will change myself for them. I will change my behaviour, my way speaking, my perception or everything else just to get mix with them. But is it really me or just an another version of mine who is again trying to fit herself in a piece where it doesn’t even belong.
And this is all what makes me wonder, what would they be thinking about me. Like as I said, I judge people according to the way I have memories with them. So, similarly if they judge me on the same basis what would they be thinking about me. Then, it lead me to the same memory where I have talked to them or spent time with them. Then I think about the things I had said to them and it leads me to the train of thoughts ,” Was it okay to say those things to them?, Did I said something wrong?, What was their reaction towards that?, Was that funny enough?” and questions like these start arising in my mind.
Well these are the questions which can’t be answered after what has already happened. But what I can do now is to go with the flow as far as I can and then suddenly when it will become hard to flow and I would be drowning deep into those conflict then I can come here again to let that out again.
But it’s not a solution, it is just a place where I can actually express myself without thinking about others judgement. And then again if these judgments are worthless in these places where nobody know me then why does it matter in my daily life. Is it because they know my identity or because I have to face them everyday with the same identity.
Sometimes, I just want to be that person with whom they feel happy and laugh genuinely on silly things. But what I get is exactly opposite of this. Maybe it is because of me as I just don’t know how to actually be funny around them or how to actually express the real myself.
But she’s already gone somewhere, far away from my reach now what has left is just me thinking and wondering about same thing but at the wrong time. I love to be alone but when I see people talking and laughing around that’s when this word hurt. Being lonely is okay until or unless you see other people talking and laughing together. Well sometimes you also need people with whom you can talk. But you end up boring them and that’s it. It is really hard to gather people around you who actually know you the inner you. With whom you can fart without any embarrassment in front of whom you just don’t feel embarrassed to be wrong. It is not because you trust them but because you know that they won’t judge for doing any of those. You can cry with in front of them and you can spurt everything out in front of them and they won’t even judge you on that basis.
And then again it makes me think about the perception I have of those people but then I found that I actually don’t have any perception or any prejudgement about them it’s just the people and their things , memories, conversation and everything that you can keep as a souvenir to think about as an old man is what left behind.
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