It was a morning glazed with colours of blue and gold. I looked out to see birds flying and chirping mellifluously. I could hear my mother’s sweet voice calling me. I was holding a girl’s hand, her fingers intertwined with mine and I walked inside a cabin.
Suddenly, I woke up from my slumber with a jolt. It was a beautiful dream. Here I was, sitting in a prison cell, the place where it is always twilight and I was the bird. I was in a cage with a dwindled hope and pain in my heart. My mother had died long back. Maybe she was showing me how the heaven looked, but here I was, subject to the horrors of hell. But didn’t I deserve this sorrow? I had killed that beautiful girl. Everyday I was dying, bit by bit, as my body was consumed with compunction. The only thing I could see were the walls around me. I was habituated to these walls. These walls saw me at my best and my worst. I tried tearing them down, but they were strong enough not to let go. They saw me cry, scream and get sore but they stood still, absorbing everything, just like spectators and doing nothing about it. I hated them but I loved them at the same time, because they were the only company I had. Overtime, I became thankful that they existed.Â
Suddenly, I woke up from my slumber with a jolt. It was a beautiful dream. Here I was, sitting in a prison cell, the place where it is always twilight and I was the bird. I was in a cage with a dwindled hope and pain in my heart. My mother had died long back. Maybe she was showing me how the heaven looked, but here I was, subject to the horrors of hell. But didn’t I deserve this sorrow? I had killed that beautiful girl. Everyday I was dying, bit by bit, as my body was consumed with compunction. The only thing I could see were the walls around me. I was habituated to these walls. These walls saw me at my best and my worst. I tried tearing them down, but they were strong enough not to let go. They saw me cry, scream and get sore but they stood still, absorbing everything, just like spectators and doing nothing about it. I hated them but I loved them at the same time, because they were the only company I had. Overtime, I became thankful that they existed.Â
I remembered I bought her a beautiful necklace. I didn’t know then what I know now. I was giving a mere piece of metals and string to a woman of immeasurable worth. Now all I hold on to are the broken strings of the necklace that cut the lines of my hand.Â
When I get out, if I ever do, I won’t harbour hate inside me, I won’t let it burn inside me like a flame, like it used to. The flame is doused by the wave of guilt inside me. Yet, there is a hollowness that even rivers and oceans cannot fill.Â
Everytime I think of her, there is a shiver down my spine and a lump in my throat. World, I am sorry for taking away that beauty. If only, I had not been so selfish, if only it wasn’t only about my world. If only, I could go back in time and bring her back to live the dream I had just seen.Â
When I get out, if I ever do, I won’t harbour hate inside me, I won’t let it burn inside me like a flame, like it used to. The flame is doused by the wave of guilt inside me. Yet, there is a hollowness that even rivers and oceans cannot fill.Â
Everytime I think of her, there is a shiver down my spine and a lump in my throat. World, I am sorry for taking away that beauty. If only, I had not been so selfish, if only it wasn’t only about my world. If only, I could go back in time and bring her back to live the dream I had just seen.Â
#life #dream #guilt #repenting #realizations #love #crime #grief #loss #pastÂ
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