Milyin Featured 27

Past Regrets And Broken Dreams

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8th June 2024 | 4 Views

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 “Where are you going to marry?” It seems I have a parrot on my shoulder the forever repeats 

this question. It is so recurring that through the years I already device some creative answers. At first, it annoyed me but as times goes by I learned to accept that people are just concerned 

of me. Marriage is what makes a society alive that if your goals are not in tune with it, you are considered sick. 

             Opinions are cruel, and judgements can condemn an innocent man. But, I can be easily acquitted from my case and there is no trial needed. I’m cognizant of the wild speculations regarding my current civil status as single. It is as if I am a newly discovered phenomenon; that 

if the speculators are scientists, they had already been awarded with a Pulitzer Price Award long time ago. 

             The circumstance where I am in right now started during my college years. It all started because of an innocent ambition, that right now still haunts me like a forsaken lover. 

 Reading books is a habit that I developed during those times. The school library became my sanctuary, where I spent most of my free time. The lives of famous writers always fascinated me. Reading their monumental works created a lasting impression in my innocent mind that their deeds are worth immolating. It was not surprising that I began writing fictions to impress my classmates. Their admiration encouraged me to write more. 

             One day, during my senior year, we were assigned by our instructor in English Literature to discover the origin of our name. Soon I discovered that my name is a combination of the name of an English poet and a follower of Saint Paul. Suddenly, I had a revelation that my calling is to be a writer. Inside me, a seed of ambition had sprouted into a sapling; its roots entangled with my veins. 

              That time I had a girlfriend who added another layer of inspiration to my life. She was the first one who always read everything that I wrote; she acted as a cheerleader in every effort that I took to develop my craft. I planned to publish a novel that time, but I still had no money to incur the publishing expenses; besides, I was still in school. I persevered to finish my course because I saw it as the only way to reach my aspirations in life. When I land a job, I will already have money to finance a publication. I was intoxicated by a wonderful dream. In the future, I saw myself having a successful career and a very supportive wife. But, everything took a heartbreaking turn. Somebody already wanted to marry, while I’m still not ready. Another factor that added to the numbing effect of the excruciation was my deliberate disenchantment of the complex process of publishing a book. The tree inside of me slowly lost its vitality and wither.

 Everytime I reminisce those wild days, I always feel a mixture of awe and contempt. Awe, because I find it hard to image how I subjected myself to such futile efforts; contempt, because I chose an incongruous ambition over love. 

           Well, I’m still grateful of that ambition of mine because if not because of it, I’m not in the place where I am now. Everything didn’t go as planned; I am left with a painful remembrance. I am perpetually reminded that I cannot have everything in life.

Michael MacGabriel

@MacGabriel-Michael

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