There is this weird sadness inside of me that has turned my heart into a frozen lake of sorrow.
Every time I try to melt this sadness, a chunk of ice pierces into my heart. Each time this happens, I gasp with pain but also anticipation. I gasp with hope, that maybe this is the last time I will feel this pain. Funnily enough, an even deeper shard keeps showing up, piercing me so deep that even my soul yearns in pain.
So many countless nights spent in the hope, to be liberated from this ache flash before my eyes. This hope doesn’t last for long. The pain intensifies. This pain reminds me of my stagnancy, of my cowardice, of my suppression, of my weakness. It reminds me of everything I have done wrong so far.
Every time my eyes brighten up at the end of each lesson, hoping this is the last time I will endure this pain. And once again, every last hope of love and belonging is very gracefully put to an end as the world walks over me. The realization is fatal,
Hope, hope, and hope I had weaved all these years only to see the last of its threads crumble apart.
And once again, pain is the only one that is left by my side. Now, I think maybe I should befriend this pain. For this pain was the only one that stayed when all left. This pain was more loyal than a shadow, more loyal than a mate. Hence it stayed like a soulmate. It stayed when it didn’t have to.
In the end, pain was my only friend, my only confidant! My pain was my truest compass. Pain embraced me every time I wasn’t okay. Pain held my hand with compassion when no one understood me. It was for this pain that I never felt alone. The pain was there to hold me when the world abandoned me.
And pain became my only lullaby:
I will be with you in your lowest,
I will be your friend when the nights are slowest,
I will be here when your heart secretly cries,
I will hold your hand when you are tired of all the tries,
I may cause you a lot of discomfort every time,
I will keep showing up to tell you, you are not fine!
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